Snapshots

- 22 Sep 2026 -

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Ahoy!

Finding topics for blogposts and speaking my mind in this blog form is HARD, actually. I often don’t know how to express myself and the complicated, contradicting and self-devouring conundrums my mind is working through. So to get started, I’ve made some Snapshots of things that don’t quite fit into my socials, but aren’t fleshed out enough to be their own thing.

If any of you read this and have thoughts or comments, feel free to reference them or tell me on the socials, since this page doesn’t get a comment section in the forseeable future.

Disclaimer: I’m trying my best to get my point across while also letting my trains of thought run freely (choo-choo). But sometimes “THE Best™” is not good enough. If there’s offensive language it’s most likely by-accident. In such cases, feel free to notifiy me, anyway, so I can improve my writing and remedy problematic sections. This includes my use of content warnings, which are mostly vibes-based.

Here we go!

Snap I - Furry bypass

Furry art messes with my head in interesting ways. I’m awawawaware (sorry not sorry), that this is a known phenomenon: People express themselves through art all the time. It often serves as a safe environment to experiment with ideas, explore and live out suppressed desires or to just goof around. However, seeing these effects on myself is something entirely else. The way it literally bypasses anxieties and internalized shame and makes things aaproachable that otherwise feel “wrong” when viewed from the human side.

I think just this year I’ve seen more furry art the rest of my life… comics, artworks, erotica, sometimes blatant porn that found its way into my timelines over on bluesky… but also all sorts of queer stuff. It is mostly curated by a bunch of users and lists in the fediverse and bluesky and I’m trying to allow my gut feeling to do the rest. The result is an experience that is as much fulfilling as it creates a certain kind of yearning: A a mix of wholesomeness, cuteness and this deep desire for connection. Somehow, almost none of this translates into reality (except some attempts at experimenting with self-expression, which is its own can of worms right now), but it made me wish it would. Safe to say, it makes me feel things I never thought I would. So it became kind of a guilty pleasure.

Although I’m not deep into the furry fandom, I do feel its pull on me. I adore the sillyness of many artists, the humor in general and the unapologetic weirdness and openness of it all. And I wish I could be part of it.

However…

Snap II - … I don’t feel like can have that!

I grow annoyed and socially burnt out relatively quickly. Part of that is simple social anxiety: Dealing with the constant feeling that I have to prove my worth and my right to be around. But I also enjoy being by myself… until I don’t. Right now, I’m struggling with this tension, because my social circle is quite small and I want to grow it at least a bit. But the idea that I have to work for it feels… repelling. I mean relationships take some amount of work and maintenance work in order to function and I don’t have any problem with that in general… unless it starts to become a requirement… unless it starts to feel like I have to be available 24/7 in order to not fall off… unless there is a chance of me disappointing people. So I keep myself from reaching out beyond the superficial layer most of the time.

Weirdly enough I run into people on social media that I appreciate, but also somewhat care and sometimes worry about. Aside from (real and social) distance and the parasocial aspects of these aquaintances, I wonder what kind of relationship this is and what I’m actually looking for in these cases. I know I should not overthink this; on the other side I worry that by not having figured this out, I might end up creating relationships that will fall apart as quickly as they have started, hurting people in the process.

I hate this sense of unbelonging and of being on the verge of being a castout to society. And no matter how much mental energy I’m throwing at this, I simply cannot shake it off. Rationally I know that all these notions aren’t real. And remembering this surely helps, as well as the occasional reassurance from my family and friends. But it still nags at me. Nights shifts become hardly bearabale because of that, bc at around 2 am these thoughts draw their claws into my consciousness like clockwork predators on the hunt. It can be a lot to hold together, while having to function at work, while also trying to find the courage to actually try to apply for new jobs. But also…

Snap III - Did I mention, that I’m experimenting with self-expression?

It’s something I set out to do last year, firstly because I wanted to experiment for quite a long time now, secondly because I wanted to explore some suspicions that started to mount up, and the end of my bachelor’s thesis, and something else happeing made me finally start. Despite the eagerness, so far, I haven’t even done that much… letting my hair grow into ponytail-territory, trying out different modes of beard growth (I found out, I don’t really like it anymore??? Did I ever? What?), getting my earlobes pierced (so far with no variety in earpins and stuff, which I want to change in the long run). The result is an increasingly confused Weird that doesn’t know what to feel and think about all of it. I’m not going to mention any specifics in order to keep it relatively free of material that might need content warnings (maybe for another time, lol), but holy shit, it’s a ride. At least this topic in itself isn’t dragging me down mentally, but only adds to my perception as someone that doesn’t belong.